This winter, my love and I flew down south to Punta Cana for a week long getaway. With the sun on my skin, sand in my toes, and ocean breeze in my hair, I felt blissful.
Going away and being able to just think in peace on the beach gave me a lot of time to reflect back on 2015. It was an unpleasant year for me although hard to say if it was any worse than the year before or the one before that. Its hard after such a tough and draining year to bounce back and overcome whatever else lies ahead.
There were a lot of relationships that withered in my life, people I love who left and others that were taken from me. I’m hoping to mend some of these relationships in the years to come, fingers crossed it won’t be too late. What’s worst though, was that the last embers of my relationship with my father died out completely…
This was the man who I once saw as my hero but whom in recent years, has been anything but. This was the man, and 2015 was the year, that showed me definitively how cruel and remorseless he can be. This was the man who tore my family asunder these past few years. He has lost his way and he is never coming back – he’s not the man that I knew when I was a little girl and I often wonder where that person has gone.
When my father had his affairs and the divorce happened, at first I was angry, I lashed out. Then I was sad and lonely. I felt scornful at him, at fate, at God, if there even is a God. Honestly, my father’s sins and lack of remorse for his actions have become my deepest source of shame. And this past year I’ve been struggling to overcome it…
One night in particular on this trip, John and I lay out on one of those beds and looked up. There were so many stars speckled against the pitch black sky and we talked about who we might know that might just be up there. I wished so hard that among those diamonds – a few of which turned out to just be air planes – was someone watching over me.
And then I thought of my grandfather, my mom’s dad. Mom always said that if he were alive today, we would probably get along really well. He was smart, always enjoyed a good intellectual debate but was kind and loving. He passed away fairly young, when my mother was only fifteen so I never knew him. I would like to think that he’s watching over us, (maybe telling me to go to bed as I write this at 4AM) but sending his blessings right now…
I wish somewhere among those stars, I could keep the image of the father I once knew alive – out of reach, untarnished, untouchable.
But laying under the stars in the arms of my lover, bathed in moonlight, whilst listening to the sound of waves crashing onto our little island, I began to feel at peace. I know now that despite what has happened, despite this relationship falling away, life goes on.
I think we need to accept that life is just a giant messy glob of chaos. There is going to be a lot of bad shit that happens to you whether you’re a good person or a bad person or whether or not you believe in an all-powerful being. You grit your teeth and you persevere. No matter what challenges come at you, you breath deeply, you go on vacation, and enjoy the sunsets and sunrises. You listen to the birds sing, and you simply go on. You’ll make it through.